Goals

When I hear people express to me their goals the first thing I want to ask is why.  Why do you want that?  My problem is I have a "low-level" case of aspergers and my tone comes off all wrong.  It takes years to bounce back from that!  My intent is to get them to think about what the core motivation is.  The first answer is usually not the deeper more personal motivation and I believe that it's this deeper, 2nd and and even third level motivations that are the true motivational part of the goal.

So ask yourself why you want it.  Be real, be honest, there is no one there to judge your answer; why do you want it? 

The next thing I think of, if we even get this far, is to ask why they don't have it now.  If a person comes to me and says, I want to lose 10 lbs this year.  I think, why do you want to lose 10 lbs; then I think, why haven't you done it in the past?  Most goals are not new goals, they are unattained old goals.

Once we can talk about the 2nd level of why you want this, we need to get to the bottom of what's stopping you and this is the part that everyone is usually really good at; all the excuses.  Let's use the 10 lbs example and take a look at some common responses.

Why do you want to lose 10 lbs?  "Because I want to look better."
Why do you want to look better?  (seems like an obvious question, but its not) "Because I want to feel good about myself."


No think about what's being said here.  If I lose 10lbs I'll feel better about myself.  Seems like we found the motivation, but let's dig one level deeper to really get the good stuff.


Why do you believe that losing 10lbs will make you feel better about yourself?  "Because I will have control."


Ah-ha!  So it's not really about losing the weight is it, of which we have no idea what the test for that is?  No, it's about power over self and control.


So what's really happening in this person's mind, is if they lose 10lbs they will feel powerful.  Now that is the real motivation.  Next step, "how long has this been a goal?  What's stopping you from having it?" 

"Every new year's resolution for the past 10 years."

"OK."  "So for 10 years, you've been trying to lose 10 lbs?"

"Yes."

"What are you doing to reach your goal, what's been your strategy to get there?"

To paraphrase here, "set the goal and hope."

"OK.  How's that working for you? (I know that it's not working; for 10 years it hasn't worked!)  So what are you going to do different this time?"   

"Try harder."

"Let's take a step back and look at this again.  What are you trying to get here?"

"Lose 10 lbs."

"Really?  Because a min. ago you said that you want to lose the 10 lbs to feel more attractive so you can feel powerful.  So you don't want to lose 10lbs you want to feel more powerful, right?"  (We could dig deeper here, but then this really turns into a counseling session.  Why does this person feel powerless?  What else is going on in their life to make them feel powerless?  Why do they tie weight loss to power?)  In my experience, I would be guessing though, this person has been emotionally or physically abused at some point in their life.  They were told that value and self worth come from how they look and they were repeatedly told they are fat, ugly and worthless.   

"Right."

"So based on what you said, losing 10lbs would show you that you have power over your life, right?"

"Yes."

"So what's stopping you?"

"Well, I like to drink, and I smoke when I drink, to fit in with my friends."

"Oh.  So let me see if I have this right.  You want to lose 10lbs to feel more powerful, but you want to fit in with your friends so you eat garbage, drink and smoke, is that right?"  Just let them marinate in that for a bit.  This is where most people find me offensive.  Internal conflict is painful to resolve.  It requires humility and strength.  Not an easy combo.

After a minute or two of though.

"Well, they are my friends though."

I don't even know what that means at this point.  I wasn't part of the internal dialogue that came to this statement, but I do know this; the ego (for lack of a better term) fights tooth and nail to protect what is old and familiar.  Including these friends that represent what might be feelings of inclusion, familiarity and acceptance and yet the are exactly what is holding this person in their prison.  What is being presented is change, excluding the old and familiar.  To stand alone, to exert power, of which they don't believe they deserve (my guess).  One of my favorite quotes: "the greatest con that [the ego] ever pulled was making you believe that he is you."  That voice has been there so long, telling you what you should do, in your own voice, you mistakenly think it's actually you!  Those things that were said to you in passing by a parent or friend become so ingrained in you that after awhile, you think it's you.  

"So based on what you're saying then, being accepted by your friends is more important than feeling powerful?"  See the circle we going on here?

This person's quest remains unresolved because of a reluctance to deal with the heart of the issue.  My solution would be to find new friends that support your goals and lifestyle you want to live, seek some counseling from a profession about the unresolved feelings of a lack of self-worth.  Until then, you will live in a prison of your own building.

At the end of the day, if you want change, if you're tired of the results you have in your life, here's 10 steps to get there.  They are not easy and they hurt.  Do you deserve the life you want?  Simple question, not easy.   

1. What do you want?  What exactly do you want?  Why do you want it?  Why do you want that?  Why do you want that?  Dig in at least 3 deep.  
2. What's stopping you from having it?  What you do think of people who already have it?  Want a lifted Chevy truck but think people who drive lifted chevy's are d-bags?  Gonna be tough to do what needs to be done then.  What to be shredded and abs pop though but think they are self-centered egotistical gym rats?  Not very motivating to when you equate the two.  
3. What are you willing to give up to get it?  Friends?  Do you really want this?  It's OK to change your mind at this point, just be honest.   
4. What are you not willing to give up to get it?  Alcohol?  
5. What are you willing to now do, that you didn't do before to get it?
6. Why do you want it again?
7. Scale of 0-10, 10 being 100% possible, do you believe the goal is even possible?
8. Scale of 0-10, 10 being 100% capable, do you believe you are capable of reaching the goal?  Do you have the resources you need? 
9. The whooper, scale of 0-10, 10 being 100% worthy, do you truly believe you deserve to have it?  If you have been told all your life that you don't deserve it, how are you going to prevent your usual self-sabotage? 
10.  How do you know when you have it?  What will you see, smell, taste, hear, feel?  Who will be there with you, where will it be, what's the weather like, the sounds, the smells.  Make this REAL.  

Until these things are identified, you will NOT reach your goal, ever.  No matter what movie you saw that makes you think different, it's not going to happen unless you do some serious work to get there.  Movies have a tendency to show us that in life, luck will prevail, but in reality only hard work prevails, only the wise strategy.